The most effective way to solve relationship problems

Progressive Mental Alignment® (PMA) will show you the root-cause of most existing relationship problems and what the solutions are to permanently solve them. There are all kinds of relationships the relationship with our spouses, partners, parents, family, friends, colleagues, etc. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life.

The never-ending blame game

In most relationship conflicts we blame each other. He or she causes the problem! We have probably all accused each other like this one time or the other. But do you really believe that your partner, child, parent, friend, colleague, etc. purposely decided to come up with something that would annoy or hurt you? Sometimes maybe, but in literally all your conflicts?

We say or do things we don’t really mean

How often did you do or say something that you immediately regretted the very moment it left your mouth? And yet, how often did you follow the exact same pattern in the next conflict? Think about it; do you really believe the other did this intentionally to hurt you? Of course not! You also know, by experience, that your particular way of responding during a conflict will automatically intensify the problem, and yet you keep responding in the same way time and again. Don’t you agree this doesn’t really sound rational?

Relationship problems are never rational

Well, that’s because it isn’t rational. Relationships problems always emerge from emotions, from feelings! But here’s the catch! Although your first impulse is to blame the other, the real cause of your pain, irritation and/or aggression originates from an entirely different source. You normally have no control over that source, you’re not even aware that it exists and, even more important, it has very little to do with the one you’re fighting with.

Conventional relationship counseling

Psychologists and marriage/relationship counselors approach a href=”http://lifestylealigner.com” style=’text-decoration:none;’>relationships problems mostly in the same way, and to my experience not in a very effective way. (See the statistics below.) They often start by categorizing your problems in one of the major topics, like:

  • Communication
  • Unfulfilled expectations
  • Intimacy
  • Money
  • Infidelity
  • Children
  • In-laws
  • Resentment
  • Jealousy
  • Behavior

Once this is done your problem is already filed under a certain topic, in a specific ‘box’. For each box there are specific solutions that the therapist or counselor will apply. How come the results of those solutions are often so poor and just temporary, if at all? Because these traditional solutions do not reach the core of things!

Our subconscious is not based on rational topics

Our subconscious brain controls more that 98% of our behavior. The newest scientific insights show us that our subconscious mechanisms are not based on rational topics and they definitely do not store our experiences as ‘box items’!

Our subconscious is based on simple straightforward rules and principles. Jacob Korthuis, the developer of PMA, calls them the ‘language rules of the subconscious’. Let me give you an example from my own coaching practice that explains what he means by that.

An everyday practice experience:

Joseph and Jacky often fought about a problem that Jacky had with Joseph’s parents. According to her feelings they came over too often and most of all they interfered with personal matters that were none of their concern. Jacky felt limited and intimidated by them, but Joseph thought she was overreacting.

In regular counseling this would fall under the topics ‘in-laws’ and ‘communication’. The therapist/counselor would go through a program to teach them how to communicate with each other and help them come to a solution by determining what they’re both willing to tolerate from the in-laws, followed by how they can communicate that to them in an effective way.

Well, Joseph and Jacky went through the whole program with a relationship counselor, which took them about 18 months. They loved all the good advice and were willing to apply it. But no matter how hard they tried, the irritation and their fights remained a regular part of their lives.

Three months after they visited me for the first time, their problems were solved. How come? I use the a href=”http://lifestylealigner.com” style=’text-decoration:none;’>relationship and solutions technique, a part of the PMA program. PMA approaches relationship problems in an entirely different way. I asked Jacky: “When was the first time your in-laws irritated you?” She said she couldn’t remember. I said: “Don’t try to remember consciously, just think of a recent annoying moment with them. Don’t think about it but tell me the first moment that pops up in your mind.”

Jacky instantly came up with such a moment and said: “I do remember now! It all started because of something silly.” I asked her to relive that moment and to pay attention to her body, to her feelings. I asked her: “What is the most annoying detail in that moment? Don’t think about it, just feel it.” She responded: “We’re sitting in the living room and my mother-in-law is reading a magazine. I accidentally drop an empty coffee cup and it breaks. In that moment my mother-in-law looked at me in a specific way.” I asked: “In what way?” Jacky: “It’s her eyes, they look at me in such a judgmental way, it makes me feel so small.” I asked her to focus on that detail, on her eyes, and to become fully aware of what she felt in her body by doing so. I continued: “Now don’t do anything else, only focus on those eyes, that judgmental look, and the feelings in your body, until spontaneously another memory pops up.”

Jacky, almost instantly, went back to her childhood. She was playing with some school friends at their home. While running around in the living room, they hit a vase and it broke. Her friends’ mother was sitting in the living room reading a magazine, and when the vase broke she looked at Jacky in an angry and judgmental way and it made her feel so guilty, so small. Jacky was surprised about the similarities between the event with her mother-in-law and that negative childhood experience. In both cases something broke, both women were reading a magazine and both of them were in the living room, responding with the same look.

But this was not all. After focusing on the most negative detail in that childhood experience Jacky came up with several other negative experiences. Finally, a traumatic picture popped up, one she couldn’t remember at all before that moment. She was seven years old, playing with her little brother of three years in the living room. She was all wrapped up in her game and therefore didn’t pay much attention to him. So, when her little brother put a small plastic toy in his mouth he choked and gagged and almost died because he couldn’t breathe. Their mother had been sitting in the living room reading a magazine and responded in panic, blaming little Jacky for the fact that her brother had almost died.

To her surprise, Jacky did not only discover the previously mentioned similarities, but on top of that a lot of similarities in colors, shapes and even words that were said in all of the events. She also noted that after that first activation (when she broke the coffee cup), it was always that judgmental look of her mother-in-law that had irritated her and had lead to another confrontation with her.

Afterwards, I worked with Joseph in a similar way. We started with the first memory that spontaneously popped up when I asked him about a recent event in which he and Jacky were fighting about his parents. And like in his wife’s case, it turned out that his anger and irritation towards Jacky in regard to his parents had nothing to do with her, other than the fact that she reminded him of some negative events from his childhood, leading to a deeply hidden bad cluster about a serious car accident.

Bad clusters, the root-cause of relationship problems

Once their bad clusters were located and transformed, their relationship problems were solved. The root of their negative feelings did not come from ‘rational topics’ or ‘box items’. They originated from basic sensory perceptions, like a facial expression, colors, words, locations, etc.; all apparently unimportant details from unrelated events. (For more information about what bad clusters are see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BANtLcxSdVQ)

Once you understand the ‘language rules of the subconscious’ you will see that relationship problems (and many other unpleasant health and behavioral issues) are not based on the traditional opinion of how the subconscious brain works. That’s why conventional counseling does not provide lasting solutions.

So, how were their marital problems in regards to the in-laws solved? By discovering the root-cause of their irritation. Both Jacky and Joseph were never really activated by his parents’ behavior. His parents had merely activated several bad clusters in Jacky’s subconscious mind. This lead to her fights with Joseph. And in turn, her behavior during these fights activated some bad clusters within Joseph that caused his negative feelings and behavior.

Once both their bad clusters were dissolved they didn’t feel any negative activation anymore. And because of that, they were able to peacefully discus the matter about the in-laws together, as well as with the in-laws themselves. Did the behavior of the in-laws change? No, not really, but it didn’t bother Jacky anymore because the root-cause that had activated her negative feelings before was permanently gone.

The relationship problems and solutions technique

If you want to know more about how your subconscious mind works and how bad clusters are responsible for at least 75% of all relationship problems then you will definitely want to read the book Desirable Power by Jacob Korthuis. It will show you what bad clusters are and how you can transform their negative power into healthy energy through the PMA ‘relationship problems and solutions technique’.

Statistics

What do statistics tell us about the balance between relationship problems and solutions? How successful are the solutions that conventional marriage and relationship counseling offer us? Just look at some of the results:123

Divorce Rates

USA: 54.8%
Australia: 43.4%
UK: 42.6%
Netherlands: 38.3%
Canada: 37.0%

References:

  1. http://www.darndivorce.com/divorce-rates-around-the-world
  2. http://www.divorcerate.org
  3. http://www.heirhunters-association.org.uk/articles/comparative_marriage_divorce_rates.htm

Tags : pma, progressive mental alignment, relationship problems and solutions, solve relationship problems

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